Your Dog's New Year's Resolutions
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
Why We Need Friends
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
- Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
- Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
- George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
- Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Where's The Beef?
The newly married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in a floods of tears. He thought to himself, "Whatever could have happened?"
"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
What is a Cat? - What is a Dog?
What is a cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
What a Memory!
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
Wash. Biol. Surv.
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
More Animal One Liners
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a taxi?
A: Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back)
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi?
A: None, it's full of elephants.
Animal One Liners
Q: What do you do when a pig has a heart attack?
A: You call an hambulance!
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
Thoughts On Cats
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
The Talking Dog
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The Ant And The Grasshopper
The Original Version
The ant busts his tail in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
Stuart Little's Last Movie
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well.
Honey please, just calm down. Let me explain...
A man is sitting next to the window in an airliner, which is about to takeoff, when another man with a Labrador Retriever sits down in the two empty seats alongside him.
The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog's handler said, "Don't mind Sniffer... he's a "sniffing" dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
Snail Buys a Car
(Gotta warn ya, this one's a real groaner!!!)
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get.
The Smartest Dog Ever
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.