Maineiac

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Forget-me-nuts!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!

What is a vampire's Valentine called?
His ghoul-friend!

"I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine."

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

"Last year my wife sent me this card that said: 'Take my heart - Take my soul.' I mean, isn't that just like a woman? Saving all the best parts for herself."

Rejected Valentine's Card Poem:
Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled... So make me a sammich!!!

Who sends a thousand Valentine's cards signed "Guess Who"?
A divorce lawyer!

Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

Herman sure learned a lesson last year on Valentine's Day. He gave this card to his wife extolling her virtues, beauty, and charm; said how lucky he was to have her; that he didn't deserve such a good woman. Seems the more she thought about it, the more she agreed with him. She left him before the end of the month!

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

Sales Ad at a Store:
"You Are My One and Only" Valentine's Cards, now on sale: 4 for $5.

What is the perfect breakup gift to give to someone for Valentine's Day?
A copy of the book "Relationships for Dummies."

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" - "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it... only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Mary: "I can't be your Valentine for medical reasons."
John: "Really?"
Mary: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

Why do Valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!

What did the Valentine's card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we'll go places!

Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!

Last year my wife said all she wanted for Valentine's Day was "the card." I picked out a real expensive one and thought the matter closed. She got angry with me anyway. Turns out the card she wanted was her own Visa Platinum. How the heck am I supposed to know it's referred to as "the card?"

Why should you send your sweetie a Valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!