Maineiac

Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron.

Morley Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are.

You last the entire eight weeks and Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma.

Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework.

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer were all discussing whose profession was oldest.

The doctor went first saying, "On the sixth day, God removed Adam's rib and made Eve. That makes him a doctor."

Then the engineer spoke up, "Well, before that, when there was only chaos and confusion in the universe, God created earth. That makes him an engineer."

The lawyer looks around very smugly and says, "All very interesting, but who do you think filled the universe with chaos and confusion?"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with, "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

• During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
• He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
• When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
• He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
• During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.
• He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
• A prison guard is shaving your head.

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities!

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City, to which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!

First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

***

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
Answer: No.
Reply: Good!

***

Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
Professional courtesy.

***

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

LOUISIANA - A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

For those of you who need a little boost to your blood pressure. The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards.

Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuits in the U.S.

The following are this year's candidates:

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

(Thanks to jfwink66 for contributing to this page!)

The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on!

***

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney!

***

A lawyer awakened after a serious operation to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" he asked the doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

***

Where there is a will, there's an attorney.

***

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night when the Devil appeared.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try,for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of your children."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

"No," the coroner replied.

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

The coroner said, "No."