Maineiac

• The monitor is up on blocks.
• Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
• The six front keys have rotted out.
• The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
• The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
• The password is "Bubba."
• There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
• There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
• The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
• The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

1. I thought Graceland was tacky.

2. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

3. Do you think my hair is too big?

4. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

5. The tires on that truck are too big.

Kudzu is green
M my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapp'n in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks' library? Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet!

Two rednecks are fishing on their respective sides of the crick.

Just as soon as one redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank.

The other was catching nothing, so he yelled out, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the crick!"

"Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.

The other replied, "T'ain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a) '66 Ford Fairlane
b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c) '64 Pontiac GTO

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________ First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's runnin' after! I'll kill him!"

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor.

After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he should do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag
Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kansas,
Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi,
Missouri, Montana, North Carolina,
Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas,
Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia,
& parts of Florida. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice ass, get in the truck.

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

Bubba says, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Amos hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Amos was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whoop Clarence.