Maineiac

A church deacon, who was a barber, was feeling guilty because he had never witnessed for the Lord.

One day a man came into his shop and asked for a shave.

The barber put him in a chair and lathered his face. He thought this would be the perfect time to witness to the customer.

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth."
Angel: "oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"
God: "I think I'll call it a day"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

1. The Jews don't recognize the coming Messiah.

2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope.

3. Two Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

There was a little old church out in the countryside painted white with a high steeple. One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting.

He checked out the Sunday ads and found some paint on sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint.

Baby Moses is lying in the bathtub. The water has parted. Standing beside the bathtub a woman says, "Okay Moses, cut the crap and take your bath!" (Thanks, Jaycee!)

***

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "Why must we be very quiet in church?" Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.

Now, a decade or so later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.

She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark. " And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

St. Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 people from NYC showed up.
Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, St. Peter
said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him
to admit the 10 most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later,
St. Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied St. Peter. "The Pearly Gates"

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?"

After Leroy threw a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus:

Mary had a little lamb,
His fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The Lamb was sure to go.

He followed her to school each day,
T'wasn't even in the rule.
It made the children laugh and play,
To have a Lamb at school.

And then the rules all changed one day,
Illegal it became;
To bring the Lamb of God to school,
Or even speak His Name!

Every day got worse and worse,
And days turned into years.
Instead of hearing children laugh,
We heard gun shots and tears.

What must we do to stop the crime,
That's in our schools today?
Let's let the Lamb come back to school,
And teach our kids to pray!

President Calvin Cooledge, 30th U. S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words.

One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home.

When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?"

"Yup," was Cooledge's brief reply.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem; my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."