You Know You're In A Cheap HMO When...
Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
Tongue depressors taste faintly of fudgesicle.
The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
What the Doctor Really Means
When the doctor says...
"This won't hurt a bit," he really means, "This is gonna really hurt."
"This should be taken care of right away," he really means, "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
What Do You Have?
One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.
The Vet's Doctor
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor began asking her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her saying, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
Two Drops Every Four Hours
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Turning the Tables
When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him.
"Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is."
Tom Jones Syndrome
This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing certain songs. All morning I've been humming 'The Green, Green Grass Of Home.' Yesterday it was, 'Delilah.' Last week I sang 'What's New Pussycat?' at least 100 times! What's wrong with me?"
The Doctor says, "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me."
The man says, "Never heard of that. Is it common?"
Doc says, "It's not unusual."
To Be 80
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
Doctor Tidbits #3
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" - "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"
A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Darnit! Where did I leave my pen?!"
Doctor Tidbits #2
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not?!" - "Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
- Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
Take These Pills
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
A Star in the East
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
Speaking of Communication...
Imagine the problems of a medical doctor communicating with a lay person if the meaning of the following terms was not understood:
Caesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
Seizure - a famous Roman emperor
Terminal illness - airport sickness
Ultrasound - a loud noise
Urine - opposite of "you're out!"
Smelling and Hearing
An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell."
The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom.
No facilities nearby, she found a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.
Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards, out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.
A Short History of Medicine
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Quips & Quotes on Doctors #2
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75...' If he doesn't blink, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be an additional $50...’ If he still doesn't blink, you add '...Each.’"
Quips & Quotes on Doctors
A doctor had just delivered twins...a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!" With out missing a beat, he said proudly "You're telling ME I'm not sterile!"