Your Gonna Die
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die. "First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood." "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work." "Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores." "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, give him a back rub several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"
"You're gonna die, " she replied.
My wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to me and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" I nodded my head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, honey, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet!" she happily exclaimed.
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."
There were three men and a woman who all died and met with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
The first man steps up to St. Peter and St. Peter asks, "What do you want?"
The man says "I want to go to come into heaven." So St. Peter checks his list and says, "Well, you can't because when you were alive all you wanted was money. Money, money, money. You were so fond of money that you even married a girl named Penny!"
Wife 1.0 Program Upgrade Problems
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." - "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife."
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa."
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
My ex-con friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
"I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"
I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed?
I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you. "The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled around, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of eight men and four women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."
Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"
Defendant: "No sir, when I pled 'Not Guilty' I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."
Mother of Six
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
Looks Like Yours!
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
Just A Housewife
A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me.
Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question.
Is the Coast Clear?
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife, undoubtedly blonde, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here," and hung up.
The husband said "Who was that?"
The wife said "I don't know, some lady wanting to know if the coast is clear."
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week."
"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting," he continued, "So would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
Jake was on his deathbed.
His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
Get Your Own Blanket
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."