Widow at Funeral
The old man had died and a wonderful funeral was in progress.
The country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her
children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."
Words of Wisdom
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place... You either married it or gave birth to it.
Words About Marriage
--Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
--At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
--A lady placed an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. Because I just love hearing this question.
4. Just lucky, I guess.
5. It gives my mother something to live for.
Who Wears The Pants?
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
Until Death Do You Part
Top Ten Things Not to Say on Your Wedding Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events.
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
Marriage Tidbits #2
Leo said, "It was all going OK until we split the house. Seems I got the OUT-side."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb!
Karen was telling me that her to-be-ex, a police officer, asked the judge to please remind her to re-register a gun he'd given her in her name. "You see, your honor, to buy it, I had to register it in my name." The judge said, "Why's this so important?" - "Because, Your Honor, I don't want to be shot with 'my own gun!" The judge had to hold a piece of paper in front of his face to hide his laughter.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Things You'll Never Hear a Wife Say
Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
That was a great fart! Do another one!
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Terms of Endearment
A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was so impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head and replied, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
Technologically Correct Vows
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.
"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Spice It Up!
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
She Changed Me
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
(Thanks, Drew, for sending this in!)
An elderly man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates Saint Peter welcomes him but states that the man must know how to spell the secret password to get in.
The old man replies, "You mean I don't have to know it, I just have to spell it?"
Saint Peter says, "Yes, that is correct, all you have to do is spell 'LOVE.'"