Maineiac

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

• Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
• Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
• Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.

Johnny had just received his brand new driver's license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.

Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

One hand on wheel, one fist out window: NEW YORK

One hand on wheel, one fist out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive...??

* Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

* Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

* Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "or are you going back there?"

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove today, you idiot."

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I'm just driving this way to make you mad.

Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Who cares who's on board?

Die Yuppie Scum.

No radio. Already stolen.

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.

Save the Whales, Shoot the Seals.

I want to be like Barbie, that witch gets everything she wants.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Is there life before coffee?

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

My karma ran over your dogma.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

The following are reported to be taken from actual insurance claims:

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the
front end.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther.

So he stuck his thumb out and after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.