You May Be Getting Old If...
- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
When I'm an Old Lady
When I'm an old lady,
I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness...
just as they did.
I want to pay back
all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed.
Oh, they'll be so excited!
I'll write on the wall
with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture
wearing my shoes.
To Be 80
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either."
Three Old Men
Three old men were sitting around talking about the problems with aging.
The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it just dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and I still have problems."
Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning, at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. And at 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m!"
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dfispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."
The Pine Tree
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Old Geezer Test
Answers Below - No Cheating
1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor, left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Now That I'm Older
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Great Things About Getting Older
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Croak Like a Frog
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?"
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on granddad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older.
One declares, "Sometimes I catch myself in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand and can't remember whether I'm putting it away or taking it out."
The second lady chimes in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember if I'm on my way up or down."
The third one responds, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," and she raps her knuckles on the table. "That must be someone at the door, I'll get it!"
The Billboard Song
As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
The sign was torn and tattered from the storm the night before.
The wind and rain had done its work and this is what I saw:
Baby Boom Anthems
Baby boom anthems re-released with new lyrics suitable for an aging audience.
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What
do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun."
"So he's in the woods," the doctor continues, "and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.
A woman out for a walk, noticed this little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and approached him.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing!" the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he replied.
Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie - Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie - Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie - As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teeny tweezers and magnifying mirror.