Maineiac

The Job-N-Nod 2002, New Edition: German engineer Matthias Knigge has designed a desk that converts into a giant pillow for all the hard-working (or hard-slacking) office workers of the world that need a quick snooze in the middle of their work day.

A prototype of the desk, made out of walnut, looks ordinary until a small button is pressed underneath that activates a fan that inflates a bright orange airbag which unfolds through an opened panel on the desktop.

Knigge hopes his "airbag table" doesn't inspire people to work longer hours. He thinks it's good for people to get out of the office after a while and get a life.

Millionaire: What's your name, driver?
Driver: Alfred, sir.
Millionaire: I always call my drivers by their last names.
Driver: It's Sweetheart, sir.
Millionaire: Drive on, Alfred.

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

Two women were comparing noteson the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues.

If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)

1) The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing "Doom" at your desk, you...

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

* A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.

* A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

* An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees West longitude."

Next time you have an "I hate my job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

What they really mean when they say . . .

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

(Thanks, Gloria, for sending this in!)

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

My new work philosophy:

Always give 100% at work...

• 12% on Mondays
• 23% on Tuesdays
• 40% on Wednesdays
• 20% on Thursdays
• 5% on Fridays

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

"Our best guess is that it was some sort of late 20th century prison"

In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:

EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings Before Interest Expenses, Taxes, Depreciation and Amortization) - Now stands for "Earnings Before I Tricked Dumb Auditor"

EBIT (Earnings Before Interest and Taxes) - Now stands for "Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering"

CEO (Chief Executive Officer) - Now stands for "Chief Embezzlement Officer"

CFO (Chief Financial Officer) - Now stands for "Corporate Fraud Officer"

NAV (Net Asset Value) - Now stands for "Normal Andersen Valuation"

EPS (Earnings Per Share) - Now stands for "Eventual Prison Sentence"

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.