Maineiac

Get ready to roll your eyes...these jokes will sleigh you!

What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Roast turkey!

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
Your teeth!

What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who?
Wenceslas train home?

Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!

I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell!
Just take these pills - and, if they don't work, give me a ring!

What did one Angel say to the other?
Halo there!

How do cats greet each other at Christmas?
"A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year!"

What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?
Best vicious of the season!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross-mouse cards!

What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L)!

Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it!
Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.

What rides a sleigh, gives lots of presents and has plenty of faults?
Santa Flaws.

One time Father Christmas lost his underpants.
That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
Because they both have "Sandy claws"

Knock Knock Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?
Santa pause!

What goes 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Thump!'?
Father Christmas laughing his head off!

I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the toy factory. 'Have you passed?' I asked. Father Christmas pointly proudly to the front of the sleigh. 'See for yourself!' he called proudly. 'No-el plates!'

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull...!

What's fat and jolly and runs on eight wheels?
Father Christmas on roller skates!

Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys?
Because they soot him!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells!

Why are Christmas trees like clumsy knitters?
They both drop their needles!

What's Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
Because a little water ends both of them!

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

What's Tarzan's favorite Christmas song?
Jungle bells.
But what about his chimp?
King Kong merrily on high, of course!

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes!

What did the big candle say to the little candle?
I'm going out tonight!

Whats happens to you at Christmas?
Yule be happy!

How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rudolph
Rudolph who?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil!

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!

What game do reindeer play in their stalls?
Stable-tennis!

Keep that reindeer out of the house! It's full of fleas!
You'd better stay out of the house, Rudolph - it's full of fleas.

Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
Because they are both tail bearers!

How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
Don't feed it!

Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
Because his brown ones were all muddy!

How long should a reindeer's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avery
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas!

I'm so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand.
Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?

What has antlers and loves cheese?
Mickey Moose!

We had Grandma for Christmas dinner.
Really? We had turkey!

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

How would you get four reindeer in a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!
And how do you get four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first!

Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
The smallest ones!

Knock! Knock
Who's there?
Our Wayne
Our Wayne who?
Our Wayne in a manger!

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!

What reindeer can jump higher than a house?
They all can! Houses can't jump!

Why don't Prancer and Dancer and the other reindeer overtake Rudolph?
Because they don't believe in passing the buck!

What do elephants sing at Christmas?
No-elephants, no-elephants!

You don't see many reindeer in zoos, do you?
No. They can't afford the admission.

What does Father Christmas call that three-legged reindeer?
Eileen.
What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!
What does Father Christmas call the reindeer with only one eye that's got no legs?
Still no-eye-deer.

Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off!

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!

What do you call the reindeer with cotton wool in his ears?
Call him anything you like - he won't hear you!

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah!

What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas' sleigh and is made of cement?
I don't know.
A reindeer!
What about the cement?
I just threw that in to make it hard.

Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank.
Why did he do that?
He was trying to save time!

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!

What's Scrooge's favorite Christmas game?
Mean-opoly.

Teacher: If I have $20 and ask Scrooge for another $30, how much will I have?
Pupil: $20!
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Pupil: Please, miss, you don't know Scrooge!

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A Merry Christmas to ewe!

What's a hairdressers's favorite Christmas song?
'Oh comb all ye faithful'
A football supporter's favorite Christmas song?
'Yule never walk alone'
A rabbit's favorite Christmas song?
'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'
How about a talkative princess in a tower?
'Silent knight!'

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan!

What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around?
By icicle!

What sort of ball doesn't bounce?
A snowball!

What bird can write under the Arctic Ocean?
A ball-point pen-guin!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!

Why don't the polar bears eat the penguins?
Because they can't get the silver paper off!

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
Frost bite!

What bird gasps and pants at the North Pole?
A puffin.

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!

How do you get milk from a polar bear?
Rob its fridge and run like mad!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

Scrooge broke his clock, he punched and then stamped on it. Why did he do that?
He said it was self-defence...he said the clock struck first!

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!

Who delivers cat's Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open 'til Christmas!

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus!

Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas!
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.

How many chimnies does Father Christmas go down
Stacks!