Maineiac

Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growning so fast! You need a haircut again." Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."

***

A mother was reading a book about animals to her three-year-old daughter...
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooooooooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three year old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

***

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven." The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."

***

"I need the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona," a Brooklyn boy said to the operator. "There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, "Well...most people here just call me Izzy."

***

Little Johnny went to the store with his Grandma. On the way back home, he was looking in the bag at the things she had purchased. He reached in the bag and pulled out a package and began to sound out the words, "Panty Hose - Queen Size." He looked at his Grandma with excitement and said, "Hey, Grandma! You wear the same size as Mommy and Daddy's bed!"

***

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." - "Good! Can you tell me what comes after three?" - "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" - "Seven." - "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?" - "A jack," says little Johnny.

***

I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four year old. When bed- time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!" Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies." Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom."

***

A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?" And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"

***

On his way back from the concession stand, Little Johnny asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?" Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did." Little Johnny nodded. "Oh, good. Then this is my row."

***

A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed. At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No." Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

***

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made posted a note on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."