Maineiac

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities!

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City, to which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had first choice.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then... Hey, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea!

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients, he replied, "I only build coffins now."

A restaurant full of lawyers was held hostage. The bad guys threatened that until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Why do they bury lawyers ten feet down instead of the traditional six (feet)?
Because deep down they're not such bad guys.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement!

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. "I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?" Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it just saves time."

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him!

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

Two lawyers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit. Question: Who hits the bay first? Answer: Who cares?!

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers."- "Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

What's the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that's known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" - "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys.

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is "snake." And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
- William Shakespeare

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.