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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Driving in Heaven

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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter says, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, however, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big - what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "Twenty-four years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks.

The guy says, "Yeah, seven times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. He answers, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that; Here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.

When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what's wrong, he says, "I just saw my wife... she was on a skateboard!"