Maineiac

"Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. That's actually what caused many of their deaths.... pillow fights."
- Unknown

"I fall in love really quickly and this scares guys away. I'm like, 'I'm in love with you, I want to marry you, I want to move in with you!' And they're like, 'Ma'am, just give me the ten bucks for the pizza and I'm outta here.'"
- Penny Wiggins

"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. In fact, why don't you just leave me alone."
- Unknown

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
- Peter De Vries

"It's tupperware. Of course it exists. We only wish it didn't."
- Kez Bartsch

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?"
- Ronnie Shakes

"Wisdom comes by disillusionment."
- George Santayana

"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval."
- George Santayana

"So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work."
- Peter Drucker

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."
- Mary Wilson Little

"I started paying very close attention to myself during PMS and that's how I found my basics for Satan."
- Jennifer Love Hewitt on playing Satan in forthcoming movie The Devil & Daniel Webster

"After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her."
- Dolly Parton

"I'd love to go out with you but I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting..."
- fortune

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
- Emo Philips

"I was on a job interview, and was asked what my dream job would be. I said, 'The words dream and job don't really go together for me. How about "dream, no job" - Do you have that?'"
- Chris Mancini

"Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill."
- Groucho Marx (from Richard)

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
Found in Thomas A. Edison's desk when opened years after his death

"I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts."
- Orson Welles (from Sam)

"History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren't there."
- George Santayana

"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder."
- Craig Charles

"They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative. I heard from it the other day after I said, 'Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock aerobics class?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'Do it and die!' "
- Unknown

"Did you ever get to thinking that maybe you are just an android, placed on Earth by an advanced civilization of huge radish-like aliens who are studying your every move?" - "No." - "Me neither."
- Dogbert, Dilbert, Dogbert

"Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and if you got a different impression so what, can't we all be brothers?"
- Jack Handey