Maineiac

What's the difference between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Taliban?
The Taliban has a running game.

What do the Nebraska Cornhuskers and Billy Graham have in common?
They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

How do you keep a Nebraska Cornhusker player out of your yard?
Put up goal posts.

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!" says Einstein. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic."

CHICAGO (AP) -- Chicago Bears football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach Dick Jauron immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

• Take the batteries out of all of the remote controls.
• As his pals arrive to watch the big game, disappear into your room and make yourself as frumpy-looking as possible, then return to the living room and complain loudly about all the housework you do, going into great detail, taking turns sitting next to each one of them.
• Show a sudden interest in every aspect of the game, especially have him define the offside law for you, many times.
• Plug in a boom box in the room and do your Dancerobics routine.

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking about a specific condition, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

This is the new public relations director for the Chicago Cubs, and here is what he has to say...

"The Cubs are well on their way to winning the World Series this year. The Yankees, Red Sox, Braves and Angels do not stand a chance, the Cubs are superior and will defeat all the teams they play this year 25-0 and their record will be 162 and 0.

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him.

The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing.

Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be, here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:

1. Radio was invented... Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.

2. TV was invented... Cubs fans got to see their team lose.

3. Baseball added 14 teams... Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.

On a recent tour of the United States, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the Florida coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4x4 Pope-mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.