Maineiac

Don't order steak or pasta primavera at Denny's, it's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the Mexicans in the kitchen, they will kick your butt.

Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St. Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Paw Paw, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your butt.

Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it or we will kick your butt.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your butt.

We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt.

Don't laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can't be bad. And in Chicago, don't point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your butt.

We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we will kick your butt.

Don't order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your butt.

Don't try to fake a Chicago accent. We don't have an accent. Do not mention Al Capone, he's dead and you will be too after you get your butt kicked.

Don't talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we know better. Many of us have visited big city holes like Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here O'Hare is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.

Don't complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your butt all the way back to San Francisco.

Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We know where we are going and we want to get there now. We mind our own business because that's what civilized, educated people do. Behave yourself around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners in your sorry butt just like they did ours.

So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on a farm? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our tractor and we will kick your butt.

Pronouncing the 's' at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it will get your butt kicked.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked).