Maineiac

I heard this one in church this morning and thought it was pretty clever...

In the middle of a big field, there stood a fence where a group of people were gathered near the opening.

On one side of the fence stood Jesus who called to the group of people to come be with him. On the other side of the fence stood the devil, also calling to the group of people.

One time in heaven, Saint Peter said to Jesus, "I'm going on vacation and I want you to watch the pearly gates. Everybody who comes up, you ask the questions and you decide if will stay here in heaven." "Okay, Saint Peter, I will," said Jesus.

Jesus was receiving everybody when he spied a blind and very old man coming toward him. Jesus said to him, "Tell me about your life." And the old man said, "I remember nothing about my life. The only thing I remember is that my son was very famous on the earth and I was a carpenter."

Once there was an old man wandering through the woods when he came upon a good old time Baptist Baptism in the lake. "Well" the drunk said to himself I guess to get to the other side of the river I need to talk to the man standing in the river. The drunk man moved closer and the preacher called him in the water "Sir", he said "do you want to see Jesus?" "Sure" answered the drunk still believing this was his only way to the other side. "Praise God" said the preacher and the drunken man entered the lake.

The pastor was preaching his sermon at a river and announced, "One of our brothers is accepting Christ today."

The man about to be baptized was a man named Earl who walked down into the river. The pastor pushed his head into the river and asked him, "Do you believe?"

Earl came up with a mouth-full of water gasping.

A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at a kennel specializing in Christian dogs.

They found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so impressed they immediately purchased the dog.

Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up. Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, had just started the service, he saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back. The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?" "Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister.

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

DRAW PLAY: What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

HALFTIME: The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

BENCHWARMER: Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion.

He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.. his three cats... in the bathtub.

The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled. The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away.

Everyone thought that Mitch was a hard-shell Southern Baptist but he loved to sneak away to the race track.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

The bloopers found below are said to be written by actual students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched." They were compiled by Richard Lederer, and appear in the 12/31/95 edition of "National Review" magazine. It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world...

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been edited.

1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The  monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man  and boat.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out,"Oh,my God! Help me!"

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.