Maineiac

• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
• When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
• Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

So a woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

Once upon a time, there lived a women who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but, unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Concerned about fitness in her middle 40s, Nancy enrolled in an aerobics class.

To her dismay, she walked into a room filled with much younger women

She decided to combat her nervousness with humor.

"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," Nancy told the instructor.

The instructor gave her an appraising look and asked, "How old is your baby?"

"Twenty-six," Nancy replied.

• Take the batteries out of all of the remote controls.
• As his pals arrive to watch the big game, disappear into your room and make yourself as frumpy-looking as possible, then return to the living room and complain loudly about all the housework you do, going into great detail, taking turns sitting next to each one of them.
• Show a sudden interest in every aspect of the game, especially have him define the offside law for you, many times.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

This is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Mass Transportation. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II-- a mere 71 years ago...

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Once there was a plane crash over the Sahara desert

Only three women survived

A blond, a redhead and a brunette

So as they were wondering in the desert looking for water when they find this very old lamp