Maineiac

At these Fahrenheit temperatures:

+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.

+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).

+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.

+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.

Submitted by Tom Sullivan

On April Fool's Day, or any day for that matter...

Standing at the kitchen sink, take the removable water hose used for squirting into glasses, or spraying off left-over food from dishes, and tape the nozzle into the "ON" position with scotch tape or black electrical tape and then reset the nozzle in its place in the sink with the nozzle facing out toward the place you are standing.

Dear Colleagues,

I have been reliably informed that one of the Spice Girls has left the group and that they are currently recruiting on an urgent basis for members. The position will commence, conveniently, on the Australian leg of their World Tour. I urge you to make the most of this fabulous opportunity by applying on the form below.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

"Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. That's actually what caused many of their deaths.... pillow fights."
- Unknown

"I fall in love really quickly and this scares guys away. I'm like, 'I'm in love with you, I want to marry you, I want to move in with you!' And they're like, 'Ma'am, just give me the ten bucks for the pizza and I'm outta here.'"
- Penny Wiggins

"That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude."
- Alexander Haig

"Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source."
- Ron Nesen

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
- Albert Einstein

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

(Thanks for yet another great joke, Margie!)

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotis do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

Verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers. Enjoy them all!

"Hi. This is (YOUR NAME): If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

A letter from the Smithsonian Institute:

[The story behind this...Apparently, there is a nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends his "discoveries" to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names and insisting they are actual archeological finds. The bizarre truth is this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway, what follows is a letter from the Smithsonian Institute in response to his submission of a recently discovered specimen.]