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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Quotes 3

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Life is a quarry, out of which we are to mold and chisel and complete a character.
- Goethe, German poet and scientist

The world moves and ideas that were good once are not always good.
- Eisenhower

There is danger in reckless change, but greater danger in blind conservatism.
- Henry George, Economist

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
- The Bible, Corinthians, Chapter 13, verse 11

If any man wishes to write in a clear style, let him be first clear in his thoughts; and if any would write in a noble style, let him first possess a noble soul.
- Goethe, German poet and scientist

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
- Albert Einstein

Many find that things can be done in a day if they don't always make that day tomorrow.
- Unknown

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurance Peter

A real family man is one who looks at his new baby as an addition rather than a deduction.
- Unknown

The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest and then becomes a host, and then a master.
- Khalil Gibran, Arab poet

The truth always turns out to be simpler than you thought.
- Richard Feynman, Physicist, educator

A "no" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
- Gandhi

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
- Mark Twain

You must constantly ask yourself these questions:
--Who am I around?
--What are they doing to me?
--What have they got me reading?
--What have they got me saying?
--Where do they have me going?
--What do they have me thinking?
And most important,
--What do they have me becoming?
Then ask yourself the big question:
Is that okay?
- Jim Rohn

If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you didn't want.
- Unknown

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips!
- Unknown

I understand life isn't fair, but why couldn't it just once be unfair in my favor?
- Christy Murphy

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of becoming.
- Goethe, German poet and scientist

My girlfriend is not a ball and chain--she's more of a spring-loaded trap.
- Kevin Hench

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Author

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
- Johnny Carson

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.
- George Bush

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
- Mark Twain

A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it.
- William Feather

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man.
- Erica Jong

Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
- Khalil Gibran, Arab poet

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
- Howard Scott

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
- Charles Lamb

You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra

Put others before yourself, and you can become a leader among men.
- Unknown

Do not be so eager to please that you "agree" without conviction.
- Unknown

Contentment makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor.
- Ben Franklin

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at, 85 years old, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- Unknown

They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
- Billie Holliday

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
- Unknown

A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage.
- Goethe, German poet and scientist

In all life one should comfort the afflicted, but verily, also, one should afflict the comfortable, and especially when they are comfortably, contentedly, even happily wrong.
- John Kenneth Galbraith, Economist

The alternative to uncertainty is authority, against which science has fought for centuries.
- James Gleick, Writer

The God who gave us life gave us liberty at the same time.
- Thomas Jefferson

Man is really free only in God, the source if his freedom.
- Sherwood Eddy

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.
- Goethe, German poet and scientist

Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering.
- Buckminster Fuller

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
- Andre Gide, French writer

We're here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark.
- Whoopi Goldberg, Actress & Comedian

Don't forget until too late that the business of life is not business, but living.
- Bertie Charles Forbes, Publisher

Quotes 2

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"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
- Bobcat Goldthwait

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
- Jim Carrey

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger

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"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over."
- Edna St. Vincent Milay

"Men don't care what's on TV. They care about what else is on TV."
- Jerry Seinfeld

"I figure if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job."
- Roseanne

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Questions & Quotes

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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A couple of these should make you groan, a couple should make you chuckle.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Read more: Puns

Prove It

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This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food.

"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.

"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.

"I'm sorry sir," said the clerk, "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."

Read more: Prove It 

Points to Ponder

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(Thanks to Margie for sending this one in!)

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out." ?

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." ?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

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Pirate's Disability

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After many years at sea, a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he could also collect disability insurance.

He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related.

Read more: Pirate's Disability

Pillsbury Doughboy

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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.

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A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through--don't be upset. It won't be long."

Read more: Patience

Old Man In A Diner

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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

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A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.

Read more: Nuts

Not Stupid

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A motorist got a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up, he tripped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.

A patient looking through the fence suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

The motorist, thanking him profusely, said, "Hey, that was a great idea! Why are you in this place anyway?"

The patient said, "I'm here for being crazy, not for being stupid."

The Mystery of the Ugly Duckling

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There was a middle aged couple, who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged blonde daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

Read more: The Mystery of the Ugly...

My Good Deed

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A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.

After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

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Mother Taught Me

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1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until we get home."

2. My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

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